Most children beg for a stray, claiming it followed them home. These children rely on puppy dog eye and sad faces - not to mention the appearance of the actual animal - to convince Mother that they will spontaneously morph into responsible citizens of the earth, and Mama will never even have to think about Tootsie Roll Patrol, let alone nag anyone over it.

We have a pack of feral housecats living underneath the floor of my bathroom, little enormous furrballs who startle me by sneezing underneath my improperly insulated floor while I'm brushing my teeth. This causes Mama to briefly consider the chances that Anthony Hopkins may be in the tub behind the curtain until she remembers that not only is there a pack of housecats under the floorboards, but they are apparently allergic to themselves and her heart starts beating again. The children know that any request for a homeless animal will be met with a heartless "We already have some. Whatever you do, don't touch them."

Many a mother has been trapped by the rosy thought that a new pet means that the children will no longer be foolish. Mama, on the otherhand, is not easily twitterpated by soft fuzzy animals.

Some children have imaginary friends or pets. They spend hours underneath blanket forts and setting up pink plastic plates for a picnic, weaving elaborate stories about their best friend, He Who Will Remain Unseen. Mothers around the world smile wisely and offer HWWRU a sandwich or an extra blanket, then obsessively worry that their child is schizophrenic or poorly socialized. Mama already knows her children are nuts and my goal is to have them poorly socialized, at least by modern standards (for reasons such as this, which happened not so far away. Note that the shooting happened AFTER three other students were arrested on gun charges. Goose Creek is a small town - they don't even have an Applebee's) so an invisible friend would be a welcome addition - at least I wouldn't have to wash his socks. Alas, HWWRU has not bothered to show up, so to speak.

Instead, Miss E has this.

Yes. That is a plate full of slugs, named Icky, Gicky, Princess, and Sluggy. Princess is a girl, of course. Miss E thinks it's cool that they have glitter boogers, that is, a shiny trail that will serve her well when she loses them.

Miss E also requested that I put the picture on eBay for Grammy, so she would freak out. Always putting family first, that girl is! This might work if eBay was a method for sending information to others, and if Grammy ever actually used e-mail.

All told, this might not be a bad pet. There is no backyard shoe hazards related to slugs, no hairballs on the carpet, no nagging over the litter box, and they probably won't get hit by a car, repossessed by the original owner, or poisoned like our last three pets. Just as long as they don't come inside, I'll be fine. They can sleep under the house, as long as they don't have allergies.

Labels: children, Family Life